Eating disorder treatment centers guide you toward recovery. "You'll get your life back when you eat more" is their message. But what happens once you've gained back the weight, are eating without refrain... and then notice that the numbers on the scale won't stop climbing?
I've learned a lot through my time in eating disorder treatment. I'm better at regulating my emotions and coping in ways that aren't maladaptive. I know how to get help and when to ask for it.
Over the last six months, though, I've noticed something. First, and scariest of all, I've put on 30 pounds more than my recovery goal weight- and I have stretch marks and too-tight jeans to prove it. Second, and more recently, I've realized that I'm ashamed of what I eat.
What I mean is: I gobble things up and try not to think about what I'm eating. I guess you could say I'm the opposite of mindful when it comes to food. And to keep an intake log sounds scary too... because I'm afraid of facing what/how much I'm eating. I don't want to accept that the weight gain is my fault.
But it is. And instead of freaking out over that realization, I draw my mind to what that means. It means I'm placing more importance on blessing God's heart than on staying in my own comfort zone. I know God wants me to eat, and right now I'm eating in the only way I know how to keep from falling back into the eating disorder.
I know I don't have to keep living this way though. The way I'm living isn't BAD- nor do I think God wants me to eat differently or lose weight. I just know I have so much freedom in Christ! If the Son sets you free, you are free indeed. I don't need to live bound by a fear of falling back into the E.D.
So what's my plan? No, I'm not going to diet. Those don't go well for me. Instead, there's two things I want to do:
I'm going to lean into God and ask Him to help me accept my body as it is, right now. I know my husband will keep me accountable; we've talked about this numerous times, and he fully supports me in it. He's always wished I could see my body the way he does.
At the same time, I'm going to start logging my meals again, like I did in residential treatment. I'm not going to limit my food, but instead balance the food groups back out, four fingers of protein at a time. The point of this is to become aware of what I'm eating again, being intentional about eating till fullness and not just until I'm not hungry anymore. Turn right to go left, as Lightning McQueen said. I'm filling my body with once-again balanced, filling meals and snacks (instead of snacking on whatever all day, never quite being full) as a sort of experiment to see how my body responds. Will I lose the extra weight I've gained? I'm not sure. Does it matter? To me: yes. But that brings me back to step 1. Accepting my body. That's my biggest priority right now.
I'll keep you updated on how this goes!
Comments