[I wrote this in October of 2021 and thought I could share it now!]
Grace upon grace upon grace to you! Women of God, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus!
I'm speaking now to those who worry that your eating disorder is a sin.
I've been wrestling with this question for the past year really. And let me just tell you now: I still don't have an answer! But there is something I've found out recently. Whether my eating disorder is a sin or not, I don't think it matters that much at all.
See, the reason I'd been trying to figure out an answer to the question of eating disorders and sin was that I felt I needed a solid reason to recover (as all my friends and family wanted me to). My reasoning went like this: if I knew for certain that my ED was a sin, I could use that as motivation to turn from it. Makes sense, right?
But it wasn't working! I could look at it from a million different angles, and still, in the end, I could neither confirm nor deny that the ED was (or is) a sin. I asked God, "Are You trying to convict me that it's sinful, and I'm just not feeling it?" But I heard no response.
One day, as I was pondering this heavily in the two-and-a-half weeks I spent at a discipleship training school, we talked in class about this very subject; sin, conviction, repentance, and forgiveness.
This is what I learned.
Because we're in Christ, this is actually a very beautiful process: we're walking with Jesus, we sin, we're convicted by the Holy Spirit, and then we want to turn from our sin, so we ask for forgiveness, and guess what? We're always forgiven! And we continue on our way walking with Jesus.
Sisters, if the Holy Spirit hasn't fully (or maybe even ever at all) convicted you that the ED is sin, stop trying to convict yourself! Only God can or should ever do that! You can walk in the freedom of forgiveness without having all your sins lined in a neat row.
Jesus wants a closer relationship with you. He loves you and has already paid for all your sin. He has made you perfect, in that you'll always have right standing with God- even if you are still struggling with sin. While it's true that we are to work out our salvation with fear and trembling, it's also true that His sacrifice was once and for all. You sin, He gives more grace. We ask for forgiveness, He gives more grace. He will always give more grace.
Still, the question stands: if I'm not sure the ED is a sin, why should I turn from it? Why pursue recovery if He's saved me either way? Recovery is hard freakin' work! And it just depends on the moment whether I want it or not; most of the time, I'm just down-right terrified at the thought!
Well, as I've thought on the question, I've been reminded of a passage from Hebrews. It's a well-known one, found in chapter 12, verses 1 through 3:
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." - Hebrews 12:1-3
Back to my question: if the ED isn't for sure sin, then what do I do with that? What would my eating disorder be, then? It certainly isn't a good thing God wants for His children, I know that. Well, I propose that, while the ED may or may not be a sin, it does fall under the category of things that hinder us. So what does Paul say to do about "everything that hinders us" (in our case, the eating disorder)? Throw it off! Easier said than done, Paul!
But I think God offers us more direction for our recovery journey than just that. How am I ever going to take the first bite, God, much less continue eating day after day? How? I believe the passage from Paul's letter to the Hebrews answers this question: by "fixing [my] eyes on Jesus, the author and protector of our faith." (Hebrews 12:2)
But why should I keep going? Why? For the joy set before you, Daughter. It's why Jesus endured the cross! And how MUCH Jesus did by persevering through! He set me free! Gave me life with Him forever!
Think of all the lives God will touch through you- all the joy He has prepared for you down the road! How much more will He be able to bless you and others when you throw off all that hinders you?- this eating disorder that has had a hold over you for so long. Do not grow weary and lose heart, dear friends. God is much greater than this ED is strong.
You can give Him your fears of gaining weight, losing control- your worries over body image and how it seems impossible that you'll ever feel okay in your own skin. Jesus came to give us "a crown of beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, and a garment of praise for a spirit of despair," (Isaiah 4:3). And He WILL do this. He's trustworthy.
Run to Jesus. You don't have to obsess over whether or not your eating disorder is a sin; He wants you either way. Neither do you have to worry about whether or not you're sure you want recovery- it is terrifying to think about, I know!
Nevertheless, He's conquered sin and the brokenness it's caused and will continue to smash down all the walls between you and Him. He wants you- in all your flaws. He's done everything for you on the cross; you need only to rest in Him.
God does not tempt us but He does test us. Why? Because He knows we can overcome if we lean on Him! God believes in us!
The eating disorder hinders us, but our attempts to “throw it off” will not go unnoticed by God. He’s rooting for us! And not just from the sidelines- He’s running the race with us, and sometimes, we’re so tired we just need carried by Him. And He is more than willing to!- in Isaiah 46:4, God proclaims: “I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.” He loves you, sister. He’ll do anything for you- even die in your place. As a song said, “He loved my soul to death”.
He’ll help you overcome this ED!
With love,
Rylie
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