It's 11:55 at night, a Sunday- right before a new week's about to start. Today I drove with Evan to Niagara Falls Trailhead and hiked to the waterfalls. Behind the silly faces in the photo, though, are two starkly different people in the moment. Evan was capturing the moment with his camera, while I was trying to force the moment to "look ok" on me. What I mean is, I was feeling really self-conscious of how I looked in the photos we were taking. That's a common theme for me, as it is for so many people, I think.
Now it's 12:01. A new day. The day's just a baby, though, only a minute old. It reminds me of that song by Stevie Wonder: "Isn't she lovely? Isn't she wonderful? Isn't she precious? Less than one minute old."
This new day is lovely, and wonderful, and precious.
"The faithful love of the LORD never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is His faithfulness; His mercies begin afresh each morning." - Lamentations 3:22-23.
I've been all over the place eating-wise lately. The eating disorder has flared up, but I overcame. I always need a why. Why should I fight the E.D.? Because my life has so much purpose and meaning beyond controlling what I eat and how I look. Because I remember: I told God that one day in December 2021 that whatever weight brings Him the most glory- that's what I want to be. Nothing else matters except being close to Him. I'm sticking to my word in that.
I'm starting afresh. I still want to keep trying to eat more balanced meals, so I can be more full throughout the day; I still want to work on accepting my body the way it is. It's a climb, just like the one out of Niagara Falls today. Evan and I had a hard conversation, plus the trail was tiring. I got a little mad, and he did too. I showed my hurt, and he did as well. But the drive home along the Nestucca River was beautiful. The water was rolling and fresh and tumbling- a little like I'm feeling right now.
I love Evan, and I want to continue working on accepting my body and what it might become. Maybe I want to work on accepting and supporting any version of Evan he wants to become, too. One step at a time. I can't wait to see the beautiful waterfall at the end.
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